Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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