I can text with my tongue
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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