CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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