I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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