ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
