I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
