Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
