just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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