He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
