What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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