I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
