I can text with my tongue
farters have to be the big spoon...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
