I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
