i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
