I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
