Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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