Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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