he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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