I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
