I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
