he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
