I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
