just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I said "one day" and that day is not today
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
