i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
