What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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