I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
