We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
