oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
