I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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