Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Let's get the cat blown out
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
