i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
