OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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