does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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