Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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