My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
