When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
