I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
