I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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