I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
