peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
