So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
