be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You don't make any sense
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