Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
