Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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