yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
