I need to stop coming to work sober
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
