I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
