I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
