The maid of honor just puked.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Are we still banned from the library?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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