my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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