I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
